Wednesday, February 6, 2013
A Touch of Justice
My dear sweet daughter. I think of you ever day and wonder and worry how you are doing. I still love you so very much!! There was some justice for you today and I would give anything if you could have been here to cheer along with me!! Maybe someday when you are grown and find this blog you will come and celebrate with me. You aren't here now and that makes my heart so heavy, but tonight it is a little lighter because in the end, there was this bit of justice. I love you my spunky little sweetie. Wherever you are may God be watching over you. Love, Mommy
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Alyssa's Video
Please check out my new page for Izak the child trafficker. He is threatening to return Alyssa to her "fake parents" who have promised to sell her to a "trade" is he does. http://izakthechildtraffickerexposed.bravejournal.com/
If you haven't seen Alyssa's video yet, please consider stopping by there first. It is very important to me that her story is about her and not an agency or a country.
Press play, then pause to give it a minute to load. Thank you so much for caring enough to read and watch about my daughter. Her story is posted below the video, titled "Alyssa's Story"
If you haven't seen Alyssa's video yet, please consider stopping by there first. It is very important to me that her story is about her and not an agency or a country.
Press play, then pause to give it a minute to load. Thank you so much for caring enough to read and watch about my daughter. Her story is posted below the video, titled "Alyssa's Story"
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The duck picture
A lot of people have written to me and asked to see the duck in the suitcase picture. It is hard for me to look at, but I will post it here.
I wish
Alyssa was here to tell her own story, but she is languishing in the Edhi Home in Pakistan. I am sure they are doing their best by her, but there was no Christmas tree with presents under it, those are still in her closet, here in what should have been her home. I am sure there is no one laying beside her at night to rub her back and tell her everything will be alright when she wakes up with one of her nightmares. No car rides to get an ice-cream, no puppy to play with ... no Mommy. I am so filled with grief when I think what must she be thinking. Where did that woman go that I called Momma? That played with me, fed me and told me she loved me a hundred times a day.
Alyssa isn't here because she was trafficked, so I will tell her story for her.
There are so many people involved in this story that I have created a list so you will better understand. Those names with * are not their real names, but this isn't their story and it would be unfair of me to name their real names.
Izak: Pakistan coordinator. I was told to follow his instructions without questioning because he was a male Pakistani who had been doing this for a long time and had my safety and best interest at heart.
Natasha*: My agency's CEO
Dinah*: Director of International Programs: I was told was in charge of the Pakistan Program, who, along with Jane told me what to do and say while I was in Pakistan
Jane*: "Case Worker" who told me she had never heard of "Karen", who along with Dinah did a conference call right before I left to reiterate directions.
Sadeem: Pakistan coordinator.
Qazi: Pakistani lawyer I was told to pay for legal services while in Pakistan.
Anwar: Alyssa's supposed birth father, who I now believe is not related to her in anyway.
Pastor Afzal Bhatti: The pastor who my agency had me write to who would be sending Alyssa's referral to me.
Pastor Kamran John: The second pastor I was given to establish a relationship with who supposedly found Alyssa for me.
Frank Tu: Fraud division chief at the U.S. embassy in Islamabad.
FIA: Pakistan's version of the U.S. of our FBI
Karen* woman who was also in Pakistan adopting through another agency
Sandy* : Another single woman with my adoption agency travelling the same time as me to adopt.
Things went really well in the beginning. I met her father and several grandmothers who were all staying at the same guest house as I was until we were finished with our court proceedings. They seemed nice, but Alyssa didn't want to go to them when they held out their arms. Being over the moon with her I attributed this to her quick bonding with me. I sailed through the first court appointment and I had a date a few days later to return to gain permanent custody. That night Anwar came to my room with a friend of his and told me that Izak had not paid him the $10,000 he had promised him. He asked me for the money. I had been warned that the birth family may try to extort money from me so I told him I would need to call Izak. my adoption agency had already sent $1,000 to him for surgery on his injured leg, which probably hadn't helped matters any. (I found out later this is in direct violation of Hague rules). When Izak arrived the men talked alone and then Izak came to me and said Anwar was going to take Alyssa away from me if I didn't pay the money. He told me not to worry because he could replace her within a day. I was shocked! Children are not stereo system...yours breaks, go get a new one!" I went to Anwar with my heart pounding in my chest and tears streaming down my face, and told him that I would not pay him one penny because that was buying a child and I would have no part in that. If he truly could not care for her, and wanted her to be raised in the United States by me, then we would move forward, but I would not be paying him one penny. It seemed like forever for him to answer, my future with my Alyssa hung in the balance.... but he apologized for causing me this stress and yes, he wanted me to adopt her. Now that I know everything I know, I believe Anwar was promised that money by Izak. But, Izak got greedy and didn't want to pay Anwar his cut.
I went to court several days later and I was truly Alyssa's "Momma" as she liked to call me. That night Alyssa and I were taken to a house in a very remote area to meet the rest of Alyssa's family, celebrate the custody hearing and say good bye. I was told by Izak that we could only stay a very short time since Alyssa would be getting tired. This was odd since he had insisted we both attend Sandy's court party which lasted until very late at night. When we finally reached the tiny house at the end of a very rutted dirt road we met three grandmothers, several aunts, Anwar, several cousins, two sisters and a brother. They seemed very pleased to meet me. I felt so terrible thinking that these people were saying goodbye to such a sweet little girl that I cried. They all said not to cry, that they were happy she was going with me. The entire time we were there Alyssa cried whenever one of them tried to pick her up or held out their arms to her. It made me grieve for them at the time, but now I know why. I now know why not one of them shed a tear when we said goodbye, yet I was crying on their behalf. I now know why she never even turned her head when they called out "Romisia" (her name as listed on her birth certificate), yet she learned the name Alyssa within a day of being with me. I now know why she wanted nothing to do with any of them. She didn't know any of them! They were not in any way related to Alyssa. But that knowledge didn't come until much later.
We spent most of our time inside our guest house room. Ordering food from downstairs and eating it on the coffee table. There were days when being cooped up really got to both of us and Alyssa would go to the door and pound on it to get out, but for the most part I was just thrilled to be there with her. I watched her go from barely being able to crawl to walking. She learned English words very quickly and could say "up", "Momma" , "love" and "bottle" very early on. We spent our days making up stories. I took her on a trip to my mother's pool, and we had a pretend Christmas with a few things I wrapped up and snowballs made up of crumpled paper. We sang and danced and read books but mostly I just loved on her and she came to trust and love me. One of our favorite things to do was to roughhouse on the bed, tickling and bouncing around, with frequent stops for one of her incredible hugs. She would just throw herself on me, hug and say "love". It was the best!
Sometimes we had company. Pastor Kamran John would come by, alone or with his family. One of the drivers came frequently and once even brought this wife and daughter who was smaller than Alyssa but only a month younger. I fell in love with his whole family. They were wonderful! One evening his wife and daughter came with him and we spent the evening together. I realized they didn't have much so I gave them all Alyssa's clothing that didn't fit her, formula, diapers and several of her toys. The two girls fell asleep in bed together and we visited all evening. I told them that if they ever wanted to live in the U.S. they could stay with me until they got their feet under them. They were just those sort of people. They were kind and sweet, loved one another and their daughter.... or so I thought. About a month after I returned to the US I was sent a newsletter that had come from my adoption agency out while I was gone. There were several pictures of children "up for adoption" from Pakistan. There was the little sweetie who had fallen asleep with Alyssa in my bed! She wasn't really their daughter! The woman had just been one of Izak's nanny's! The sense of betrayal that was already overwhelming me was almost more than I could stand. But back to what was going on in Pakistan....
A friend back in the U.S. told me they had read on a blog about another woman in Pakistan from the U.S. that was in Islamabad adopting a child. I was so excited! Maybe she could come to the guest house for a visit. By this time any contact with someone else from the U.S. would be huge to me! I wrote on Karen's* blog and gave her my email address. She wrote back that she was leaving Pakistan in a few minutes but would email me once she got home. I was so jealous! She was going home with her baby and I still had a couple of weeks to go! The next day I read her newest blog entry and she wrote a letter to me. My stomach went cold. She had come here, just like me, through a U.S. agency. She had a coordinator, just like me, but his name was Sadeem. She had actually used the same pastor as I had named Pastor Afzal Bhatti. She had gained custody of her daughter, just like me. But when she went to get her visa, she was told the death certificate of the mother, and her daughter's birth certificate were forged. Just like me??!! While I mourned with her, her loss. I was terrified Alyssa and I would follow in her steps. I contacted Izak and he came to the guest house. I showed him Karen's story and he freaked out and contacted my adoption agency. I don't know what was said, I can only imagine. He came back into my room and ordered me to delete everything on my computer. All emails and documents. At first I refused, but then he told me that Sadeem had been arrested and was being tortured to tell everything he knew. I asked Izak if that had anything to do with me. he said it didn't but, the pastor Karen and I had both been told to contact had been arrested also and it would be best not to have ties to this man who had been child trafficking. He told me that Pastor Kamran John had actually been the one that Alyssa was brought to by her father and that Pastor Bhatti really had nothing to do with my case, so not to worry. Well, I was worried! But after many hours of trying to reach my adoption agency and them finally returning my call I was assured that they didn't know Karen, didn't know Sadeem and my adoption was legit, Izak was legit, all my documents were legit. I spoke with the lawyer who had taken our case in court and he said Alyssa's papers were "110% correct and authentic". He said we should go to the embassy and apply for Alyssa's visa the next day and then head home. That sounded great to me! We had already lived through an earth quake, several suicide bombers nearby and I was anxious to leave.
One day Alyssa and I woke up extremely ill. We had very high fevers, every piece of my body hurt from my hair to my toes and Alyssa was lethargic except when she was throwing up or filling her pants with a sickish yellow mess that I soon realized I had too. I asked Izak to get us to a clinic. He said he couldn't until very late that night. I was very worried about both of us and I asked if a driver could take us earlier. He said no. We finally got to go at 10PM that night. The doctor was a sweet woman who was very concerned. Our stomachs and intestines were very infected by something we had eaten. I will spare you most of the details, but will say we didn't eat it knowing what it was. We were given antibiotics and it took several days to even start to feel better.
Because of a very difficult situation with Sandy who was living in the room next door, Izak and the people at my adoption agency forcing me to decide if she could keep her baby, plus the food followed by our sickness, I decided I needed to move Alyssa to a different guest house. I called Izak and he arranged for me to move the next morning. Alyssa and I packed up our things and putting them in the hallway only to discover Sandy was doing the same thing! Izak had called her and she was moving to the same guest house along with me. I chalked it up to miscommunication until he arrived and it became clear he was moving all of us. I found out later that too many people had seen us with him in the area where the first guest house was so it was no longer safe for him there.
Little did I know that would be the last time I saw Izak, any of the drivers, or anyone I had come to know, like and trust, except my lawyer Qazi, and Pastor Kamran John.
Several days later Qazi and Pastor Kamran came by to talk. We discussed Izak, Karen's case, Sadeem and child trafficking. Kamran was extremely nervous, wearing dark glasses and literally wringing his hands the whole time. I asked him if he had done anything illegal, he said no. I asked him if Alyssa was trafficked. He said no. Then I told him he had nothing to worry about and should stop fretting. Qazi told me that I should go get Alyssa's visa the next day so I could return to the U.S.
I went to the Embassy paid the $400 and was taken to a room where I met Frank Tu. He gently explained about Karen and what had happened to her and her baby. I didn't let on that I already knew anything about it. He asked a bunch of questions, took my papers for verification and told me he would know within a week if Alyssa's papers were forged or not. I began to panic. Frank sounded like there was something more he wasn't telling me.
When I got back to the guesthouse Sandy and I attempted all day and night to contact Natasha, Dinah, Jane or anyone at my adoption agency but they weren't answering there emergency number. I also tried over and over to contact Izak, but his phone had been disconnected. None of the drivers answered their phones either. Suddenly I felt very deserted and very scared. The next day we were able to connect with my adoption agency. I asked them what they knew about Karen's case and Sadeem. They again denied they knew anything about any of it. (I later found out Sadeem actually used to be one of their coordinators and that Karen used to be a client of theirs. they had actually sent her a sympathy note 3 days before!) I needed to know if my Alyssa was in any way a part of this child trafficking ring of Sadeem's I had been hearing about. If so, we were in more danger than I had realized. But, they denied ever knowing anything about them. I told them about the meeting at the embassy. They reminded me that I was not to mention their name to anyone. I said I had understood that to mean the Pakistanis, not the US government officials. They said "No! remember you are not allowed to mention our name!" I said, "If a US federal official (which Frank Tu is) asks me I most certainly will not lie to him!" Their reply..."Well remember, we do not have a Pakistan adoption program, we just helped you put together your dossier for a private adoption!". I was astonished by that statement! That simply wasn't the truth. I suddenly realized they was stranding me in the middle of this situation they had place me in. They had convinced me was "safe", stable" "wonderful". I didn't have any words left to reply to their statement and so I just hung up, picked Alyssa up and sat holding her for the longest time, praying, while I tried to figure out what to do. I called Frank at the embassy and told him all about the people at my agency, Izak, the drivers, everyone I could think of. I told him that if Alyssa's documents had been forged, or her mother wasn't truly dead, or she had been taken from her real mother as much as it would kill me, she would need to be returned to her. Frank said he was still investigating and that my papers might be legit, just to give him time to finishing checking everything out. Once again I was feeling hopeful. Alyssa and I spent a couple more wonderful days together. There was a small plot of grass outside the guesthouse where we would go and we could play and laugh. She learned more English words and I began to relax.
My visa was close to running out so I made the trip to have it renewed. They kept my passport and said I could pick it up in two days.
Karen's baby had been taken to the Muslim orphanage the Edhi Home, and in writing back and forth to one another I had offered to go and visit her, hold her and sing a list of songs to her that Karen had sent to me that she had once sung to her when they were in Pakistan together. After dropping off my passport I returned to the guesthouse to change Alyssa and pick up a spare bottle before heading over to the orphanage. We drove into the driveway and Qazi was standing there looking very upset. This man who had been so confidant all this time now looked panicked. I could barely breath when I got out of the car and asked him if it was good news or bad. He only said "All's well that ends well". I was in no mood for any more rhetoric, and insisted he tell me what was going on, but then suddenly I didn't want to...couldn't hear what he had to say. I took Alyssa upstairs for a minute to buy myself just one more moment before my world would crash down around me. I changed, hugged and loved on her for a short while before my phone rang. It was Frank from the Embassy. He was terribly sorry, and obviously very upset, but he could not issue Alyssa a visa because she was part of a very large child trafficking ring. I will never forget the feelings I had at that moment. But wait!! Alyssa was my daughter! We had plans! She had a room waiting for her back in the U.S. with toys and books and stuffed animals!
I walked downstairs completely numb to see what the lawyer had to say about any of it. He continued to repeat that the documents were still good...blah blah blah. I wasn't up for listening to any more lies.
I called Frank back to find out how long I had left to be Alyssa's mother. He said it would be a day or two because Hillary Clinton was visiting and the Embassy was in lock down. No one could come in or leave. I spent that last night wide awake watching my daughter sleep. Rubbing her back when she stirred from a bad dream and just memorizing her every feature. It was torture. The next day Frank called and told me that the FIA would be arriving sometime that afternoon to pick her up and question me about my involvement and knowledge of what happened. Frank wished very much he could be there but he wasn't allowed to leave the Embassy due to the lock down. I had heard stories of their corruption and torture. I was not looking forward to this one bit. I later learned Hillary had been told everything that was happening. I don't know if she couldn't or chose not to help, but the end result was the same. There would be nothing our government could do.
All day I tried so hard not to think "this is the last bath you will give Alyssa", the last silly dancing and singing. She was very confused. Momma was playing like always, but the tears kept coming.
I waited until she took her nap to pack. All her things went into cardboard boxes, mine into the open suitcases. She woke up before I finished and tried to help. Somehow she knew which container were hers and which were mine. One of the last things to get packed was the yellow rubber duck we played with when she took her bath. She picked it up, looked right at me and put it into my suitcase. I had wanted to keep everything we had ever played with and she had ever worn. I was desperate to cling to anything that would tie me to her, but more than that I loved her and wanted her to have toys to play with so I had kept very few of her things. But, somehow she knew, and wanted me to have that duck! I actually snapped a picture of her putting that duck into my suitcase, but it is almost too much for me to bear to look at it.
Frank called around 5 and said the FIA would be arriving anytime now. Then my phone started ringing and ringing. It was Pastor Kamran. he wanted to know what I was going to say to the FIA about him. How did he know they were coming? ! How, when he was supposedly 5 hours away did he find this information out so fast? I later found out that one of the houseboys had been watching me and listening to everything I said and reporting it to Izak and Pastor Kamran. I told him I was only going to tell the truth and hung up. I got 5-6 more phone calls from he and his family. Each one more urgent, more threatening. They called from many different numbers and I never knew if it was them or the embassy so I answered each call.
Those last few hours with Alyssa are all a blur now. A lot of hugs, a lot of "I love you's" a letter written to whoever would be taking her, telling them all about her, and how much I loved her. My mother had knit a beautiful soft pink sweater for her. They would never meet one another, Alyssa would never swim in her pool or call her Nana, but somehow that sweater would tie them together.
The FIA arrived at 7PM. Armed men filled my room. The FIA director breezed into my room and his opening question was said with a huge smirk, "So how are you enjoying your stay in our wonderful country?" Something inside me snapped. "It sucks" was my reply, which didn't please them any. For three hours they questioned me while Alyssa sat on my lap, somehow knowing there was something very serious happening. Frank called every half hour to make certain I was still ok. That they hadn't arrested or harmed me. The questions were everything from "Why are you crying over that girl. She is a nobody!?" to "Who is this girl in this picture? Is she your other daughter?" "Give us her information, her address, place of work" The mother bear in me roared to life at that point. I was an emotional wreck, scared to death, grieving for the loss of the daughter who for just a few more minutes was in my arms. And I refused to give them Jen's information. She had nothing to do with any of this. As they searched through all my things the questions and comments kept coming from them. They read that I had been divorced and said it was obvious I don't know how "to have good sex or that wouldn't have happened". At one point the director blamed me that he was not home with his son on his birthday. I realized I needed to win these people over, so sympathetically I said, "Oh you should be home with your son on his birthday." He was outraged by this "Don't you ever tell me where I should be!" I quickly explained that I was feeling sorry for him. He yelled at me "You stupid American women and your sarcasm!!!"
After about 2 1/2 hours of this kind of questioning I was getting panicked to leave, but leaving meant leaving Alyssa. It is hard to explain, but both emotions were so strong. "LEAVE this is getting very dangerous." " STAY as long as you can to be holding Alyssa." Then the phone rang. It was Frank. Enough was enough and the FIA needed to let me go and Frank was sending a car to pick me up. He gave me a description of the car and the drivers name and orders to make certain it was him before getting into the car. The driver would call him and he would call me when he reached the gate at the house. I got another call 15 minutes later. Frank said the driver had called him to tell him that Pastor Kamran and a gang were outside the guest house, waiting for me to come out. He would call back when it was safe, but for now do not leave. One of the more trustworthy guesthouse boys came into the room and whispered to me that the men outside were armed. I told him when it was clear to leave I needed him to grab my bags and put them in the car.
I had just been given a few more minutes with my daughter, and I wasn't going to waste any more time answering questions. Thankfully the FIA seemed to have run out of steam. I smelled her hair, kissed her cheek and asked the FIA to please take good care of her. Frank called and it was safe. Somehow they had gotten rid of the men outside. I was to leave immediately. The houseboy grabbed my bags and suddenly I was free. I wanted to run, but I never wanted to leave my daughter. I prayed "Please don't let her cry. If her cries are the last thing I hear I know they will echo in my head and heart forever". Somehow she didn't. It is amazing! I held her, kissed her and said two things to her. "I swear to you Alyssa, Mommy will do what I can to make sure this doesn't happen to any other little girls or boys" and "I love you and always will". I then had to hand her over to the FIA and ran out the door. As I was leaving the director called after me. "Stupid woman, said she loved her daughter but see how fast she leaves her?" I am so glad Alyssa had no way of knowing what he had just said.
The rest is a blur... meeting with Frank who was finally able to leave the embassy. He actually had tears in his eyes as I told him the story. He stayed with me for hours in the safe place I had been taken to. My flight left at 4 that morning. I have almost no memories of the long flights home, just a deep sense of sadness and loss. I remember openly crying as I walked through the airports and not caring one bit. I also remember doing math over and over figuring out what time it was for Alyssa and wondering how she was doing. Imagining her calling "Momma" in that insistent little way she had when she wanted my attention.
I am home now. My family was kind enough to take all Alyssa's things and put them in her room and shut the door so I wouldn't face that pain until I was ready. Two months later, and I am still not ready. I still do the math, wanting to always imagine what she might be doing. I have called the orphanage to check on her, but communication is difficult. I am sent pictures of her occasionally, but they are painful depictions of her life the way it is now.
Some of those involved in Pakistan have been arrested and will stand trial. Those who did wrong here in the US continue to do what they have always done. When I heard they had actually signed another client up for their Pakistan program while I was in the airplane on my way home I was horrified!
Justice? I don't know. Alyssa is still in the orphanage, her future in the hands of the FIA. There is talk about DNA to verify her "real" parents, but then there is talk that she will remain there "indefinitely". It has been since learned that her real parents sold her and if she were returned to them, what would prevent them from doing that again? Her Christmas presents are still in her closet. My mother just finished knitting her another sweater, but my heart knows she will probably never wear it. It feels like someone has kidnapped my daughter, I know where she is, but I can't get to her. I still love her and I still cry every night for my daughter who is half way around the world wondering whatever happened?
Alyssa was here to tell her own story, but she is languishing in the Edhi Home in Pakistan. I am sure they are doing their best by her, but there was no Christmas tree with presents under it, those are still in her closet, here in what should have been her home. I am sure there is no one laying beside her at night to rub her back and tell her everything will be alright when she wakes up with one of her nightmares. No car rides to get an ice-cream, no puppy to play with ... no Mommy. I am so filled with grief when I think what must she be thinking. Where did that woman go that I called Momma? That played with me, fed me and told me she loved me a hundred times a day.
Alyssa isn't here because she was trafficked, so I will tell her story for her.
There are so many people involved in this story that I have created a list so you will better understand. Those names with * are not their real names, but this isn't their story and it would be unfair of me to name their real names.
Izak: Pakistan coordinator. I was told to follow his instructions without questioning because he was a male Pakistani who had been doing this for a long time and had my safety and best interest at heart.
Natasha*: My agency's CEO
Dinah*: Director of International Programs: I was told was in charge of the Pakistan Program, who, along with Jane told me what to do and say while I was in Pakistan
Jane*: "Case Worker" who told me she had never heard of "Karen", who along with Dinah did a conference call right before I left to reiterate directions.
Sadeem: Pakistan coordinator.
Qazi: Pakistani lawyer I was told to pay for legal services while in Pakistan.
Anwar: Alyssa's supposed birth father, who I now believe is not related to her in anyway.
Pastor Afzal Bhatti: The pastor who my agency had me write to who would be sending Alyssa's referral to me.
Pastor Kamran John: The second pastor I was given to establish a relationship with who supposedly found Alyssa for me.
Frank Tu: Fraud division chief at the U.S. embassy in Islamabad.
FIA: Pakistan's version of the U.S. of our FBI
Karen* woman who was also in Pakistan adopting through another agency
Sandy* : Another single woman with my adoption agency travelling the same time as me to adopt.
Things went really well in the beginning. I met her father and several grandmothers who were all staying at the same guest house as I was until we were finished with our court proceedings. They seemed nice, but Alyssa didn't want to go to them when they held out their arms. Being over the moon with her I attributed this to her quick bonding with me. I sailed through the first court appointment and I had a date a few days later to return to gain permanent custody. That night Anwar came to my room with a friend of his and told me that Izak had not paid him the $10,000 he had promised him. He asked me for the money. I had been warned that the birth family may try to extort money from me so I told him I would need to call Izak. my adoption agency had already sent $1,000 to him for surgery on his injured leg, which probably hadn't helped matters any. (I found out later this is in direct violation of Hague rules). When Izak arrived the men talked alone and then Izak came to me and said Anwar was going to take Alyssa away from me if I didn't pay the money. He told me not to worry because he could replace her within a day. I was shocked! Children are not stereo system...yours breaks, go get a new one!" I went to Anwar with my heart pounding in my chest and tears streaming down my face, and told him that I would not pay him one penny because that was buying a child and I would have no part in that. If he truly could not care for her, and wanted her to be raised in the United States by me, then we would move forward, but I would not be paying him one penny. It seemed like forever for him to answer, my future with my Alyssa hung in the balance.... but he apologized for causing me this stress and yes, he wanted me to adopt her. Now that I know everything I know, I believe Anwar was promised that money by Izak. But, Izak got greedy and didn't want to pay Anwar his cut.
I went to court several days later and I was truly Alyssa's "Momma" as she liked to call me. That night Alyssa and I were taken to a house in a very remote area to meet the rest of Alyssa's family, celebrate the custody hearing and say good bye. I was told by Izak that we could only stay a very short time since Alyssa would be getting tired. This was odd since he had insisted we both attend Sandy's court party which lasted until very late at night. When we finally reached the tiny house at the end of a very rutted dirt road we met three grandmothers, several aunts, Anwar, several cousins, two sisters and a brother. They seemed very pleased to meet me. I felt so terrible thinking that these people were saying goodbye to such a sweet little girl that I cried. They all said not to cry, that they were happy she was going with me. The entire time we were there Alyssa cried whenever one of them tried to pick her up or held out their arms to her. It made me grieve for them at the time, but now I know why. I now know why not one of them shed a tear when we said goodbye, yet I was crying on their behalf. I now know why she never even turned her head when they called out "Romisia" (her name as listed on her birth certificate), yet she learned the name Alyssa within a day of being with me. I now know why she wanted nothing to do with any of them. She didn't know any of them! They were not in any way related to Alyssa. But that knowledge didn't come until much later.
We spent most of our time inside our guest house room. Ordering food from downstairs and eating it on the coffee table. There were days when being cooped up really got to both of us and Alyssa would go to the door and pound on it to get out, but for the most part I was just thrilled to be there with her. I watched her go from barely being able to crawl to walking. She learned English words very quickly and could say "up", "Momma" , "love" and "bottle" very early on. We spent our days making up stories. I took her on a trip to my mother's pool, and we had a pretend Christmas with a few things I wrapped up and snowballs made up of crumpled paper. We sang and danced and read books but mostly I just loved on her and she came to trust and love me. One of our favorite things to do was to roughhouse on the bed, tickling and bouncing around, with frequent stops for one of her incredible hugs. She would just throw herself on me, hug and say "love". It was the best!
Sometimes we had company. Pastor Kamran John would come by, alone or with his family. One of the drivers came frequently and once even brought this wife and daughter who was smaller than Alyssa but only a month younger. I fell in love with his whole family. They were wonderful! One evening his wife and daughter came with him and we spent the evening together. I realized they didn't have much so I gave them all Alyssa's clothing that didn't fit her, formula, diapers and several of her toys. The two girls fell asleep in bed together and we visited all evening. I told them that if they ever wanted to live in the U.S. they could stay with me until they got their feet under them. They were just those sort of people. They were kind and sweet, loved one another and their daughter.... or so I thought. About a month after I returned to the US I was sent a newsletter that had come from my adoption agency out while I was gone. There were several pictures of children "up for adoption" from Pakistan. There was the little sweetie who had fallen asleep with Alyssa in my bed! She wasn't really their daughter! The woman had just been one of Izak's nanny's! The sense of betrayal that was already overwhelming me was almost more than I could stand. But back to what was going on in Pakistan....
A friend back in the U.S. told me they had read on a blog about another woman in Pakistan from the U.S. that was in Islamabad adopting a child. I was so excited! Maybe she could come to the guest house for a visit. By this time any contact with someone else from the U.S. would be huge to me! I wrote on Karen's* blog and gave her my email address. She wrote back that she was leaving Pakistan in a few minutes but would email me once she got home. I was so jealous! She was going home with her baby and I still had a couple of weeks to go! The next day I read her newest blog entry and she wrote a letter to me. My stomach went cold. She had come here, just like me, through a U.S. agency. She had a coordinator, just like me, but his name was Sadeem. She had actually used the same pastor as I had named Pastor Afzal Bhatti. She had gained custody of her daughter, just like me. But when she went to get her visa, she was told the death certificate of the mother, and her daughter's birth certificate were forged. Just like me??!! While I mourned with her, her loss. I was terrified Alyssa and I would follow in her steps. I contacted Izak and he came to the guest house. I showed him Karen's story and he freaked out and contacted my adoption agency. I don't know what was said, I can only imagine. He came back into my room and ordered me to delete everything on my computer. All emails and documents. At first I refused, but then he told me that Sadeem had been arrested and was being tortured to tell everything he knew. I asked Izak if that had anything to do with me. he said it didn't but, the pastor Karen and I had both been told to contact had been arrested also and it would be best not to have ties to this man who had been child trafficking. He told me that Pastor Kamran John had actually been the one that Alyssa was brought to by her father and that Pastor Bhatti really had nothing to do with my case, so not to worry. Well, I was worried! But after many hours of trying to reach my adoption agency and them finally returning my call I was assured that they didn't know Karen, didn't know Sadeem and my adoption was legit, Izak was legit, all my documents were legit. I spoke with the lawyer who had taken our case in court and he said Alyssa's papers were "110% correct and authentic". He said we should go to the embassy and apply for Alyssa's visa the next day and then head home. That sounded great to me! We had already lived through an earth quake, several suicide bombers nearby and I was anxious to leave.
One day Alyssa and I woke up extremely ill. We had very high fevers, every piece of my body hurt from my hair to my toes and Alyssa was lethargic except when she was throwing up or filling her pants with a sickish yellow mess that I soon realized I had too. I asked Izak to get us to a clinic. He said he couldn't until very late that night. I was very worried about both of us and I asked if a driver could take us earlier. He said no. We finally got to go at 10PM that night. The doctor was a sweet woman who was very concerned. Our stomachs and intestines were very infected by something we had eaten. I will spare you most of the details, but will say we didn't eat it knowing what it was. We were given antibiotics and it took several days to even start to feel better.
Because of a very difficult situation with Sandy who was living in the room next door, Izak and the people at my adoption agency forcing me to decide if she could keep her baby, plus the food followed by our sickness, I decided I needed to move Alyssa to a different guest house. I called Izak and he arranged for me to move the next morning. Alyssa and I packed up our things and putting them in the hallway only to discover Sandy was doing the same thing! Izak had called her and she was moving to the same guest house along with me. I chalked it up to miscommunication until he arrived and it became clear he was moving all of us. I found out later that too many people had seen us with him in the area where the first guest house was so it was no longer safe for him there.
Little did I know that would be the last time I saw Izak, any of the drivers, or anyone I had come to know, like and trust, except my lawyer Qazi, and Pastor Kamran John.
Several days later Qazi and Pastor Kamran came by to talk. We discussed Izak, Karen's case, Sadeem and child trafficking. Kamran was extremely nervous, wearing dark glasses and literally wringing his hands the whole time. I asked him if he had done anything illegal, he said no. I asked him if Alyssa was trafficked. He said no. Then I told him he had nothing to worry about and should stop fretting. Qazi told me that I should go get Alyssa's visa the next day so I could return to the U.S.
I went to the Embassy paid the $400 and was taken to a room where I met Frank Tu. He gently explained about Karen and what had happened to her and her baby. I didn't let on that I already knew anything about it. He asked a bunch of questions, took my papers for verification and told me he would know within a week if Alyssa's papers were forged or not. I began to panic. Frank sounded like there was something more he wasn't telling me.
When I got back to the guesthouse Sandy and I attempted all day and night to contact Natasha, Dinah, Jane or anyone at my adoption agency but they weren't answering there emergency number. I also tried over and over to contact Izak, but his phone had been disconnected. None of the drivers answered their phones either. Suddenly I felt very deserted and very scared. The next day we were able to connect with my adoption agency. I asked them what they knew about Karen's case and Sadeem. They again denied they knew anything about any of it. (I later found out Sadeem actually used to be one of their coordinators and that Karen used to be a client of theirs. they had actually sent her a sympathy note 3 days before!) I needed to know if my Alyssa was in any way a part of this child trafficking ring of Sadeem's I had been hearing about. If so, we were in more danger than I had realized. But, they denied ever knowing anything about them. I told them about the meeting at the embassy. They reminded me that I was not to mention their name to anyone. I said I had understood that to mean the Pakistanis, not the US government officials. They said "No! remember you are not allowed to mention our name!" I said, "If a US federal official (which Frank Tu is) asks me I most certainly will not lie to him!" Their reply..."Well remember, we do not have a Pakistan adoption program, we just helped you put together your dossier for a private adoption!". I was astonished by that statement! That simply wasn't the truth. I suddenly realized they was stranding me in the middle of this situation they had place me in. They had convinced me was "safe", stable" "wonderful". I didn't have any words left to reply to their statement and so I just hung up, picked Alyssa up and sat holding her for the longest time, praying, while I tried to figure out what to do. I called Frank at the embassy and told him all about the people at my agency, Izak, the drivers, everyone I could think of. I told him that if Alyssa's documents had been forged, or her mother wasn't truly dead, or she had been taken from her real mother as much as it would kill me, she would need to be returned to her. Frank said he was still investigating and that my papers might be legit, just to give him time to finishing checking everything out. Once again I was feeling hopeful. Alyssa and I spent a couple more wonderful days together. There was a small plot of grass outside the guesthouse where we would go and we could play and laugh. She learned more English words and I began to relax.
My visa was close to running out so I made the trip to have it renewed. They kept my passport and said I could pick it up in two days.
Karen's baby had been taken to the Muslim orphanage the Edhi Home, and in writing back and forth to one another I had offered to go and visit her, hold her and sing a list of songs to her that Karen had sent to me that she had once sung to her when they were in Pakistan together. After dropping off my passport I returned to the guesthouse to change Alyssa and pick up a spare bottle before heading over to the orphanage. We drove into the driveway and Qazi was standing there looking very upset. This man who had been so confidant all this time now looked panicked. I could barely breath when I got out of the car and asked him if it was good news or bad. He only said "All's well that ends well". I was in no mood for any more rhetoric, and insisted he tell me what was going on, but then suddenly I didn't want to...couldn't hear what he had to say. I took Alyssa upstairs for a minute to buy myself just one more moment before my world would crash down around me. I changed, hugged and loved on her for a short while before my phone rang. It was Frank from the Embassy. He was terribly sorry, and obviously very upset, but he could not issue Alyssa a visa because she was part of a very large child trafficking ring. I will never forget the feelings I had at that moment. But wait!! Alyssa was my daughter! We had plans! She had a room waiting for her back in the U.S. with toys and books and stuffed animals!
I walked downstairs completely numb to see what the lawyer had to say about any of it. He continued to repeat that the documents were still good...blah blah blah. I wasn't up for listening to any more lies.
I called Frank back to find out how long I had left to be Alyssa's mother. He said it would be a day or two because Hillary Clinton was visiting and the Embassy was in lock down. No one could come in or leave. I spent that last night wide awake watching my daughter sleep. Rubbing her back when she stirred from a bad dream and just memorizing her every feature. It was torture. The next day Frank called and told me that the FIA would be arriving sometime that afternoon to pick her up and question me about my involvement and knowledge of what happened. Frank wished very much he could be there but he wasn't allowed to leave the Embassy due to the lock down. I had heard stories of their corruption and torture. I was not looking forward to this one bit. I later learned Hillary had been told everything that was happening. I don't know if she couldn't or chose not to help, but the end result was the same. There would be nothing our government could do.
All day I tried so hard not to think "this is the last bath you will give Alyssa", the last silly dancing and singing. She was very confused. Momma was playing like always, but the tears kept coming.
I waited until she took her nap to pack. All her things went into cardboard boxes, mine into the open suitcases. She woke up before I finished and tried to help. Somehow she knew which container were hers and which were mine. One of the last things to get packed was the yellow rubber duck we played with when she took her bath. She picked it up, looked right at me and put it into my suitcase. I had wanted to keep everything we had ever played with and she had ever worn. I was desperate to cling to anything that would tie me to her, but more than that I loved her and wanted her to have toys to play with so I had kept very few of her things. But, somehow she knew, and wanted me to have that duck! I actually snapped a picture of her putting that duck into my suitcase, but it is almost too much for me to bear to look at it.
Frank called around 5 and said the FIA would be arriving anytime now. Then my phone started ringing and ringing. It was Pastor Kamran. he wanted to know what I was going to say to the FIA about him. How did he know they were coming? ! How, when he was supposedly 5 hours away did he find this information out so fast? I later found out that one of the houseboys had been watching me and listening to everything I said and reporting it to Izak and Pastor Kamran. I told him I was only going to tell the truth and hung up. I got 5-6 more phone calls from he and his family. Each one more urgent, more threatening. They called from many different numbers and I never knew if it was them or the embassy so I answered each call.
Those last few hours with Alyssa are all a blur now. A lot of hugs, a lot of "I love you's" a letter written to whoever would be taking her, telling them all about her, and how much I loved her. My mother had knit a beautiful soft pink sweater for her. They would never meet one another, Alyssa would never swim in her pool or call her Nana, but somehow that sweater would tie them together.
The FIA arrived at 7PM. Armed men filled my room. The FIA director breezed into my room and his opening question was said with a huge smirk, "So how are you enjoying your stay in our wonderful country?" Something inside me snapped. "It sucks" was my reply, which didn't please them any. For three hours they questioned me while Alyssa sat on my lap, somehow knowing there was something very serious happening. Frank called every half hour to make certain I was still ok. That they hadn't arrested or harmed me. The questions were everything from "Why are you crying over that girl. She is a nobody!?" to "Who is this girl in this picture? Is she your other daughter?" "Give us her information, her address, place of work" The mother bear in me roared to life at that point. I was an emotional wreck, scared to death, grieving for the loss of the daughter who for just a few more minutes was in my arms. And I refused to give them Jen's information. She had nothing to do with any of this. As they searched through all my things the questions and comments kept coming from them. They read that I had been divorced and said it was obvious I don't know how "to have good sex or that wouldn't have happened". At one point the director blamed me that he was not home with his son on his birthday. I realized I needed to win these people over, so sympathetically I said, "Oh you should be home with your son on his birthday." He was outraged by this "Don't you ever tell me where I should be!" I quickly explained that I was feeling sorry for him. He yelled at me "You stupid American women and your sarcasm!!!"
After about 2 1/2 hours of this kind of questioning I was getting panicked to leave, but leaving meant leaving Alyssa. It is hard to explain, but both emotions were so strong. "LEAVE this is getting very dangerous." " STAY as long as you can to be holding Alyssa." Then the phone rang. It was Frank. Enough was enough and the FIA needed to let me go and Frank was sending a car to pick me up. He gave me a description of the car and the drivers name and orders to make certain it was him before getting into the car. The driver would call him and he would call me when he reached the gate at the house. I got another call 15 minutes later. Frank said the driver had called him to tell him that Pastor Kamran and a gang were outside the guest house, waiting for me to come out. He would call back when it was safe, but for now do not leave. One of the more trustworthy guesthouse boys came into the room and whispered to me that the men outside were armed. I told him when it was clear to leave I needed him to grab my bags and put them in the car.
I had just been given a few more minutes with my daughter, and I wasn't going to waste any more time answering questions. Thankfully the FIA seemed to have run out of steam. I smelled her hair, kissed her cheek and asked the FIA to please take good care of her. Frank called and it was safe. Somehow they had gotten rid of the men outside. I was to leave immediately. The houseboy grabbed my bags and suddenly I was free. I wanted to run, but I never wanted to leave my daughter. I prayed "Please don't let her cry. If her cries are the last thing I hear I know they will echo in my head and heart forever". Somehow she didn't. It is amazing! I held her, kissed her and said two things to her. "I swear to you Alyssa, Mommy will do what I can to make sure this doesn't happen to any other little girls or boys" and "I love you and always will". I then had to hand her over to the FIA and ran out the door. As I was leaving the director called after me. "Stupid woman, said she loved her daughter but see how fast she leaves her?" I am so glad Alyssa had no way of knowing what he had just said.
The rest is a blur... meeting with Frank who was finally able to leave the embassy. He actually had tears in his eyes as I told him the story. He stayed with me for hours in the safe place I had been taken to. My flight left at 4 that morning. I have almost no memories of the long flights home, just a deep sense of sadness and loss. I remember openly crying as I walked through the airports and not caring one bit. I also remember doing math over and over figuring out what time it was for Alyssa and wondering how she was doing. Imagining her calling "Momma" in that insistent little way she had when she wanted my attention.
I am home now. My family was kind enough to take all Alyssa's things and put them in her room and shut the door so I wouldn't face that pain until I was ready. Two months later, and I am still not ready. I still do the math, wanting to always imagine what she might be doing. I have called the orphanage to check on her, but communication is difficult. I am sent pictures of her occasionally, but they are painful depictions of her life the way it is now.
Some of those involved in Pakistan have been arrested and will stand trial. Those who did wrong here in the US continue to do what they have always done. When I heard they had actually signed another client up for their Pakistan program while I was in the airplane on my way home I was horrified!
Justice? I don't know. Alyssa is still in the orphanage, her future in the hands of the FIA. There is talk about DNA to verify her "real" parents, but then there is talk that she will remain there "indefinitely". It has been since learned that her real parents sold her and if she were returned to them, what would prevent them from doing that again? Her Christmas presents are still in her closet. My mother just finished knitting her another sweater, but my heart knows she will probably never wear it. It feels like someone has kidnapped my daughter, I know where she is, but I can't get to her. I still love her and I still cry every night for my daughter who is half way around the world wondering whatever happened?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Alyssa
Alyssa, I love you, I miss you and I haven't forgotten you!! I wish I could say I have hope, but have been told it is best not to hope.
I do want to say that a great deal is being done because of you. I know it isn't fair, and you will never know, that at your tiny age of 13 months, you have to be one of the few that makes a difference for others, but you are making that difference! Because of you and just a couple others, things are changing! Very bad people are being sought and will be severly punished. More importantly than that, there will be countless other little girls and boys just like you who will never have to go through what you have, and continue to go through. I know it is difficult and unfair to pay the price in order for others to be safe, but you are my sweet and spunky little girl and even though you had no choice in what happened to you, I am very proud of you.
Missing you and praying you are safe and someday will be happy,
Mom
I do want to say that a great deal is being done because of you. I know it isn't fair, and you will never know, that at your tiny age of 13 months, you have to be one of the few that makes a difference for others, but you are making that difference! Because of you and just a couple others, things are changing! Very bad people are being sought and will be severly punished. More importantly than that, there will be countless other little girls and boys just like you who will never have to go through what you have, and continue to go through. I know it is difficult and unfair to pay the price in order for others to be safe, but you are my sweet and spunky little girl and even though you had no choice in what happened to you, I am very proud of you.
Missing you and praying you are safe and someday will be happy,
Mom
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
A Night Out =)
I had the greatest opportunity last night. To spend the evening with other people from the US in their room. They are staying in a much nicer place. There was actually a table and chairs for dining! The food was the best and they are a really nice couple! Alyssa was able to play with their little girl, named Jennifer. At first Alyssa was confused because she has been looking at her sister Jennifer's picture and getting all wound up. So we started calling her new friend Jen. Anyway, just having someone other than mom to play with was great. We had taken some of A's toys over there for play and we traded for a while, so new toys for both kids! yay! Not sure when the opportunity will come again to repeat...it just isn't cool to be out and about. But any risk was worth it last night, I came back here feeling so much more human! My lawyer was there and he said there was NO reason not to file on Monday, that all his work is done 110%.
Here is a great picture of Alyssa being creative last night. She found one of our host's travel pillows and decided it was a hat...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
West Wing
While we wait out the next who knows how many days, until I can file for Alyssa's visa, I thought I would tell you about something funny that Alyssa did the other night. When I can't sleep I watch the West Wing on my computer next to the bed. I have ear phones and put one in my ear and leave one out so I can hear her if she cries. It was around one in the morning, when I felt her lay across my back. I thought she was still asleep until about 10 min. later I rolled just enough to see her watching West Wing! I spent a fair amount of money on a set of Baby Einstein to help her learn English etc., but she couldn't care less...turns out she is a West Wing fan! I slid out from under her to get my camera. She never took her eyes off the screen. When I came back she had figured out there was sound! She actually got the plug in her own ear! She will certainly learn English, but what else?? (Side note...this wasn't a one time thing. I turned it on the next day and sure enough she came scampering right over...please tell me it isn't Toby...)
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Court
In case you haven't read it anywhere else, or heard me yell it from the top of the roof. I passed court at 3PM our time. According to this country's government, she is now my daughter. It will take a day, maybe two for the paperwork to process. Keep the prayers going, we aren't finished yet, but awfully close.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the big day. If everything goes well, then I will be posting pictures of a celebration lunch. I am supposed to appear at 9AM our time on Tuesday Oct. 13th. If all of that goes well, then maybe tomorrow afternoon, but more likely Wednesday morning I will apply at the American Embassy for Alyssa's visa. That should take a week or less, and then it is home sweet home. Now where did I put those ruby slippers?
Here is a random picture of hanging out playing. Other pictures to follow when I get the chance. She does keep me pretty busy!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Day At Nana's Pool
Today I decided it was getting a little too “Flowers in the Attic” around here and I needed to come up with a plan. So I thought of the things I miss about home and decided to do a theme day each day. One of the things I miss the most is hanging out at my mother’s pool. So I told Alyssa all about it and together we spent the morning pretending. First we had to walk up to her house, so I got Alyssa dressed in her best sun suit and hat (which you can tell she was just thrilled about). Next we got out the stroller and walked up to Nana’s house (around the room about 20 times). Once at Nana’s we played with the beach/pool ball for a while. We got pretty hot doing that and went for a swim in the pool (bathtub). Alyssa had a lot of fun with that part of our game. I think next summer she will be quite the fish! Then we walked back home and Alyssa, exhausted from fun at Nana’s zonked out on the bed. It was a nice way to pass the morning.
This afternoon we went to the doctor’s for her “official medical”. She passed with flying colors! She weighs 20 pounds, exactly what I had guessed (pulled my back out tonight) and she wears a size 12 mo. But for now is having to squeeze into a bunch of size 9 mo. because I thought that would be what she would need. That’s ok, we hang out at the pool a lot anyway, thanks Nana =)
Things have settled down a lot since Monday, thank you everyone who has been saying their prayers. =)
This afternoon we went to the doctor’s for her “official medical”. She passed with flying colors! She weighs 20 pounds, exactly what I had guessed (pulled my back out tonight) and she wears a size 12 mo. But for now is having to squeeze into a bunch of size 9 mo. because I thought that would be what she would need. That’s ok, we hang out at the pool a lot anyway, thanks Nana =)
Things have settled down a lot since Monday, thank you everyone who has been saying their prayers. =)
Friday, October 2, 2009
Toys
Smartest thing I did was bring stacking blocks. Least smart was not realizing they might have her age wrong. At almost 13 months I should have brought more toys, but then again, I played with kitchenware when I was little ... according to my mother it was usually 4AM! I almost forgot to tell you all ... she also made friends with a rather large black ant on the floor the other day ... I let it go on for a short while, but when she decided to eat her newest friend, I had to set him free.... =)
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